five-knuckle-shuffle on your franklin

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

before i started working at my current position i was very lucky to live a block away from my office – it was a very very short drive.

i didn’t drive, silly! you believed me for a second didn’t you?

ok back to the story, so i'm walking out of my apartment building on a random weekday morning last may. the sun was shining, the sky was blue and there were finally leaves on the trees. today was going to be a good day i thought.

as i cross st clair ave walking on west 9th street i notice a man standing in the middle of the side walk looking right at me.

i continue to walk towards him, not being able to miss him considering we are the only two people on the street.

as i get closer to him i notice that this gentleman who seems to look normal (dressed professionally and what not) is messing with something by his pants.

his nether regions actually…

he was choking the chicken

beating his meat

working the self serve pump

having a solo conversation with his love muscle

getting in touch with the one eyed monster

shall i continue?

my mouth open in awe (which is probably exactly what he wanted to see), i look down at his you know what, look up at his face, look down at his you know what, look up at his face - not knowing exactly what to do.

he catches my eye right as I’m about to pass in front on him and he says, “hey baby, want some of this?”

i quickly pass by him without saying a word - where is carl monday* when I need him!

so instead of ignoring the salami stroker i swung around and start yelling at him.

i sternly point at him and screamed, “what the fuck is wrong with you?!? you are one fucked up dude!!! What the hell are you doing?”

obviously knowing full well what he’s doing.

but he just keeps stroking away.

at this point a gentleman cleaning the money out of the parking meters also sees what is going on and looks at me like I should be doing something. i'm thinking um, YOU are the city worker don’t you have connections or something, ugh? he was an idiot and no help so I took matters into my own hands.

i whip out my cell phone and call 911.

operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a man on the corner of w 9th and st clair masturbating!
operator: right now?
me: YES! he is ON THE CORNER. Publicly whacking off! call a cop in the area, we have a sexual predator on our hands!
operator: i don’t know if we have anyone in the area right now. what is he wearing?
me: shit, he’s on the move! he’s walking towards west 6th street down st clair, he’s wearing a red checkered shirt and slacks.
operator: is he still masturbating?
me: i don’t know i can’t tell! seriously, where are the cops?

a minute later i see a cop rolling down st clair.

now i have no idea if he they ever caught the staff strummer from my awesome 911 call but i felt better about myself for making it.

as i walked the rest of the way into my office i started laughing out loud while riding in the elevator. only me I thought, only me.

*if you want to watch the funniest daily show clip ever about cleveland’s own investigative reporter carl monday jackin’ it go back to his name and click the link, you won’t be sorry. if you’re too lazy to look back up through the post, i made another link conveniently for you all right here.


  1. LOL! Total Seinfeld episode. One day I was parking my car on my street and some guy was peeing behind the tree I was parking next to. Yick!

  2. OMG public masturbation? That's awesome (I'm not sure if it was at the time) but holy cow. That's not something that happens every day!

  3. This happened to me in high school. Not once but twice. Seriously. At the library and at the gas station. I am permanently scarred.

  4. did you know all those names for the deed or did you have to google them? either way - great story.

    this happened to me once in the movie theatre in elyria one summer in college. we got completely freaked out and free movie tickets.

  5. Hahahaha my friend witnessed a robbery and her 911 call went like this:

    991 - What is he wearing?

    Friend - Uh. Ah. All I can remember were his TERRIBLE TAPERED JEANS!

    911 - *chuckles* We are not the fashion police.

  6. hahaha SO gross. You should have taken a picture. At least that's what I would have done.


  8. HA, I loved that skit!

    BTW, TWICE I've seen people whack it on the Innerbelt Bridge! TWICE! My out-of-town sisters, after my birthday party last year ALSO saw their own Cleveland masturbatory driving sequence on the SAME bridge. What is with that?

    There was another incident somewhere out in Parma, but I expected that. *zing*

  9. What in the world is WRONG with people? I Swear!!!
    Good for you for calling the perv out!


    I loved this post!

    It's the best thing I've read in a long.

  11. ahhh! what a nut job (no pun intended?). similar thing happened to me a couple years ago. my girlfriend and i were jogging on a nice, family path, near the ocean. we apparently went the wrong way though, ended up under a bridge so made our way to turn around. well, woops, we had a run in with a nasty dude doing the same thing! i made the 911 call that time around too. and i thought, "only to me!" ha. and ew.

  12. Reminds me of the good ol "peeping Tom" down at UD. I am way creeped out by that story. Good for you for yelling at him...i probably would have walked, er ran, the other way!!!

  13. That is highly gross, and scary, although it's probably only in my head that public-self gratifiers turn into knife-wielding killers.

  14. Carl Monday!

    Are you Jackin' It?

    The best is when Carl gets chased by the dad of the kid doing the deed.


  15. God I really can't WAIT to move there.

    Actually, UD has (had?) one of those guys - so no difference.

    I'm impressed at two things: 1) Your yelling at the guy and 2) You putting that link at the end of the post. You know how lazy we are.

  16. Haha I LOL'ed at your story and at ben's comment.
    "We are not the fashion police". Love it!

  17. I love that Daily Show clip.

    And, why didn't you cross the street and run really fast? I guess I would be in shock too if I saw that bright and early in the morning.

  18. another reason i like living in the country. g-ross!

  19. That's INSANE. What if a kid saw? Or, what if you said "yeah, actually, i do want a piece of this." and then DRAGGED him to the police station. That would have been awesome.

    Anyway, I'm glad you freaked out on him. Someone had to.

  20. HAHAHA!! Seriously I have never laughed out loud like that reading your blog. Best story ever. My favorite part is watching everything in my head, seeing you turn around and scream at this guy b/c you are so perturbed! Oh goodness lex.

  21. Hystarical!!! At least you were aware enough to call the cops. I would have probably kicked him in the ball and run.

  22. I give you credit for yelling at him and taking action. For sure I would have been so shocked I wouldn't know what to do, other than laugh probably. Stories like this seem to happen more and more...pretty soon it'll be a trend to walk around with your johnson hanging out. Yikes, I speak for the female population when I say I certainly hope not.

  23. Hi-larious. This same thing happened to a friend of mine once and she had to be interviewed by the cops to get her story and she had to be reprimanded and told to use "scientific terms."

  24. Good for you for reporting him! That is so inappropriate.

  25. OMG - this story is priceless! And good for you for yelling at him. I bet if you saw him today, you'd whip out your cell phone, take a picture and threaten to put his picture all over the internet. Then again, he'd probably like that.

  26. haha, that is SO AWESOME that you call the cops. well done you.

    also: BWAAHAHAHAHAAA could the library masterbator have a more pornstache-y mustache?? i feel like no.

  27. oh man that's ridiculous. i would not be prepared to deal with something like that early in the morning. but good thinking with 911, let's hope they caught the creep.

  28. Eww. But can I say I giggled reading this? Especially the line ' shit, he's on the move'. For some reason that one cracked me up. Glad to know you are doing what you can to keep the streets safe.

  29. Ahhhh, I totally remember that day!! Didn't we all make a starbucks run after that....looking for the guy?

  30. AAAACCCKKK! That's all. When it come to dealing with the city folk, we mainly encounter crack heads, crazy homeless people, and drunks in DC. Cleveland sounds like such an exciting city!

  31. Umm, eww! Good for you for calling 911. I would have just freaked out and been awkward and probably ran away...


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