before i started working at my current position i was very lucky to live a block away from my office – it was a very very short drive.
i didn’t drive, silly! you believed me for a second didn’t you?
ok back to the story, so i'm walking out of my apartment building on a random weekday morning last may. the sun was shining, the sky was blue and there were finally leaves on the trees. today was going to be a good day i thought.
as i cross st clair ave walking on west 9th street i notice a man standing in the middle of the side walk looking right at me.
i continue to walk towards him, not being able to miss him considering we are the only two people on the street.
as i get closer to him i notice that this gentleman who seems to look normal (dressed professionally and what not) is messing with something by his pants.
his nether regions actually…
he was choking the chicken
beating his meat
working the self serve pump
having a solo conversation with his love muscle
getting in touch with the one eyed monster
shall i continue?
my mouth open in awe (which is probably exactly what he wanted to see), i look down at his you know what, look up at his face, look down at his you know what, look up at his face - not knowing exactly what to do.
he catches my eye right as I’m about to pass in front on him and he says, “hey baby, want some of this?”
i quickly pass by him without saying a word - where is carl monday* when I need him!
so instead of ignoring the salami stroker i swung around and start yelling at him.
i sternly point at him and screamed, “what the fuck is wrong with you?!? you are one fucked up dude!!! What the hell are you doing?”
obviously knowing full well what he’s doing.
but he just keeps stroking away.
at this point a gentleman cleaning the money out of the parking meters also sees what is going on and looks at me like I should be doing something. i'm thinking um, YOU are the city worker don’t you have connections or something, ugh? he was an idiot and no help so I took matters into my own hands.
i whip out my cell phone and call 911.
operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a man on the corner of w 9th and st clair masturbating!
operator: right now?
me: YES! he is ON THE CORNER. Publicly whacking off! call a cop in the area, we have a sexual predator on our hands!
operator: i don’t know if we have anyone in the area right now. what is he wearing?
me: shit, he’s on the move! he’s walking towards
operator: is he still masturbating?
me: i don’t know i can’t tell! seriously, where are the cops?
a minute later i see a cop rolling down st clair.
now i have no idea if he they ever caught the staff strummer from my awesome 911 call but i felt better about myself for making it.
as i walked the rest of the way into my office i started laughing out loud while riding in the elevator. only me I thought, only me.
*if you want to watch the funniest daily show clip ever about cleveland’s own investigative reporter carl monday jackin’ it go back to his name and click the link, you won’t be sorry. if you’re too lazy to look back up through the post, i made another link conveniently for you all right here.