editors note: new readers, i promise i'm normally not this emo.
a very good friend of mine, court, recently admitted to me that she thinks i'm afraid of being 100% happy, and believes i worry that if too many things are going well in my life that something is bound to go wrong.
well, she's completely right - i do think like this.
oddly, i think that i need to even out my happiness and discontent - ying and yang.
now in my friend's defense she's one of the kindest and most awesome girls, and i know that in discussing this with me she was only trying to be a friend - help me...
give me a pep talk, tell me that i'm amazing woman and i deserve everything positive that comes my way.
but i can't help thinking that my life is never going to be "perfect".
and that if i'm overly blessed with an amazing family that would do anything for me, a wonderful group of friends who are the most loyal people a girl can as for, a job that i am lucky to have and to (gasp!) ENJOY, that there's bound to be a downside.
i can't have it all... but i need to realize that i deserve it all.
currently i think that because i have all of the above blessings that i will in turn never have the body that can make a boy do a triple take as i strut by in four inch heels, never find that man of my dreams to sweep me off my feet, or never have kids (three boys) that i want.
if i suddenly get the body, the man, and the kids, i'm petrified that i'm somehow going to lose everything else.
it's completely an irrational fear.
perhaps court is right, maybe i do subconsciously self sabotage myself.
but how do i fix it?
i want the fairy tale damnit.