keep waiting or start moving?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009



i've been asking a lot of my friends, both male and female, the following question to surprisingly very mixed reviews:

is it ok for the woman to ask the man out?

we're talking sadie hawkins style here.

while some say, "heck yes! go for it!".


others say, "hell no! if he wants to spend time with you he'll ask you".


but what if he doesn't think you're interested in him cause you are too busy trying to be a bad mama jamma?

my mother taught me that your significant other should treat you like a queen, and in the beginning specifically he should be the one chasing after you - call me old fashioned.

that school of thought has generally always caused me to play the aloof "oh the cute boy i'm secretly in love with is sitting at the bar? yes, i did notice, and no i'm not going to talk to him" card when i like a guy, never coming on too strong, or even coming on at all (twss) - which based upon my current relationship status isn't exactly working for me now is it?

so i'm a tad bit guarded, sue me.

perhaps i need to turn off the aloof and turn on the flirt - new years resolution maybe?

i've actually been told on more than one occasion that i can be intimidating to men - which i find to be complete BS, almost laughable, as i think i'm completely approachable and easy to talk to.

but now i'm drifting completely from the point of the post...

i need advice.

is it ok for the woman to ask a man out? i'm looking for the male AND female point of view here.

61 comments:

  1. This comes from my point of view where I'm ridiculously shy/nervous in my approach to women unless I have several drinks in my system, but absolutely I think women can and should approach men.

    It tells me right off the bat "Hey, she's interested!" Of course, some guys with bad intentions will take the ball and run with that in Tucker Max fashion. But I know that I personally would be very flattered and unless I wasn't interested in the first place, I wouldn't consider it a turnoff whatsoever.

    Of course, this opinion has been ridiculed by some, but I figure since women are equal to men this day and age, why shouldn't women do another traditionally male thing?

    Proposing is another story, but that's way too far in the future for my 22 year old mind to comprehend.

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  2. Julianna2221 (twitter)November 24, 2009 at 8:06 AM

    There's nothing wrong with a woman being the first to ask. To those with the confidence, I say go for it.
    Personally, I prefer the man to ask. There's just something so sexy about a man who goes for what he wants.

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  3. While I understand the old fashion point of view I think it's very simple. Women should be able to go up to a guy and start talking with them if they are interested, it's only logical. The whole dating process is extremely inefficient in the first place so if you are able to express interest to him where he might otherwise been unaware, I think it's a good thing. That being said you can't and shouldn't do all the work you made the interest known and from that point the guy should be able to carry his own weight.

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  4. I think it's fine for a woman to ask a man out. I've done it before and as my Dad says "What's the worst they can say, no?"

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  5. A tougher question than it might appear at first. In my mother-in-law's culture, Arabic/Lebanese, ain't no way, no how a woman's asking a guy out. Ever. The same can be said of folks born before 1950, for people living in Salt Lake City and for anyone with a Confederate flag on the back window of her pickup truck.

    In my pre-marriage life, I recall being asked out -- explicitly and directly -- exactly one time. And that was okay with me, even flattering. I accepted and we went out a few times. It didn't go very far, but I'm still friends with this woman (and now her new husband). So, it's possible, from my experience, for a woman to ask a guy out and have it not be a disaster.

    Just consider something, though. The fact that you ask if it's okay for you to be the pursuer means that at some level you believe it's not okay. Many women never give this a thought and just ask a guy out if they feel there's an attraction. Or so I'm told. If you're uncomfortable asking a guy out per se, you could try being a little ambiguous. "Let's get together for coffee" or "let's drive to Florida for a weekend together" are a couple of ideas off the top of my guy head. (I confess to having been ambiguous about a "friendship" with a woman once and, after several events "getting together," she asked me, "So, like is this a date we're on, or are we just out?" Awkward.

    So, my vote is for you to go for it. Be as direct as you want. If you're a little put off, be just a little wimpy and ambiguous and use that as a cover in case things go horribly wrong. Chances are pretty good you'll at least have a good cup of coffee with a new friend, if not a road trip.

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  6. Old fashioned or a little afraid? I say throw that old game out the window and just do what you want. Don't worry about whether or not it's 'proper' or whatever.

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  7. here is my analogy for this.

    there is a glass of water [a dude]

    and there is a thirst [you]

    if the glass of water going to drink itself?

    i think you get the point!?

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  8. usually i just pull the whole "let's grab a drink" thing and then go from there. sometimes i think it backfires and the guy ends up thinking just friends or just friends w/ benefits. i have enough of both, i'm ready for something different dammit!

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  9. you better move it sister. my wedding is 5 months away and i have officially put you on my color coded invitation excel sheet as alexa and guest!

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  10. Yes, it's ok. I did it, and it's working out pretty well so far. And even if it doesn't, at least I know I tried.

    But it sounds like you have to work on simply approaching guys you're interested first - and really, that's the most important part anyway. If you show interest, the majority of men will pick up on that and make the move.

    Promise, it's totally ok.

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  11. Life is too short to not go after what you want. You are a smart, modern woman, not a princess. Go after them.

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  12. I've only had one relationship in my life where we were completely straight forward, no game playing, he liked me, I liked him and we both said so. Nobody was playing coy, and even though he asked, I went out of my way to get to Chicago for our first date. Even though I was scared, because, who isn't scared of making themselves THAT vulnerable, I went out on a limb and sorry about the cliche here, but it was totally worth it. Don't be scared. The worst thing he could say is no, and then at least you can stop wondering and bestow your affections on someone else.

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  13. I couldnt have said it any better than Lemmonex!!

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  14. I couldnt have said it any better than Lemmonex!!

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  15. Abso-toot-i-lootly, IMHO. I mean, obviously read him and see if he's actually into it or not (Correct response from him should be something along the lines of HELL YEAH!!!), but so long as you can tell he wants to be there, well, then...

    DUH.

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  16. Yes.

    In other words...

    YES.

    Don't make me bust out more lines from 17th century poetry on your ass to make my point.

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  17. I've never been one to follow traditional rules in regards to anything, especially not dating. I don't get why the man has to be responsible for initiating. Women want to be taken seriously as equals in every aspect of their lives but not dating? It makes no sense to me.

    Why be submissive especially when it appears that that is so NOT your personality? At least based on what I've read here.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for over 10 years now and I jokingly say I hunted him down like a dog. Not really but I didn't pull any punches and made just as much an effort to show my interest as he did. What's the worst that can happen? You get rejected? Hasn't that been happening to millions of poor schmucks for centuries now? Big wow!

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  18. Even if you don't want to be the one to ask the guy out, I think it would probably help to shed the aloof approach. If you're interested in a guy, talk to him and be nice to him. You don't have to ask him out, I'm not sure you even have to flirt with him, but make sure you're at least on his radar.

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  19. i would absolutely approach him, but i wouldn't be the first to ask him out. i'd offer up my number and say something like "give me a call & we'll get together" or something like that... that way he knows your interested, but the ball is still in his court. there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being a little forward.

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  20. I'm not gonna lie - I prefer to be asked. But only after I've made it clear that I'm interested. And sometimes I will make the all-too-common "we should hang out again/get drinks/etc" comment.

    (Also, I hate the "you're intimidating" excuse. You're right to call BS.)

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  21. I've been asked out by a few women and never thought it was weird. Actually kind of hot when a woman has the confidence to do it.

    I wouldn't ask him out to a fancy dinner date - but I think most guys appreciate a girl that will come up and just say something along the lines of "you and I should hang out sometime" or something that sounds less like you are trying to get in his pants.

    Unless you ARE trying to get in his pants - then go with that.

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  22. I think it is perfectly acceptable for a chick to ask a guy out. That being said, I would never ask a guy out because I'm a wuss. But if the girl is brave enough, all the power to them!

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  23. here is my advice. its the best advice youll ever get.

    Do what you want and dont worry about "wrong" or "right".

    if you do something because people say you should or shouldnt, then you are left wondering, what if? If i did what i wanted, would it turn out differently?

    One of my girlfriends is dating a guy she likes and would say "should i text him because i dont want him to think im pushy" i said if you want to text him text him, you have to be YOURSELF.

    one of her girlfriends said if you text him too much he wont think your independent.

    I said you are independant, and you want to text him. it doesnt make you less independant.

    So, go for it, be yourself, if yourelf wants to ask a guy out, ASK HIM OUT! dont get caught up in all the rules, you could very well miss out on a great thing!!!!!!

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  24. Female Perspective: waiting for a guy to ask you out is incredibly lame (not to mention, incredibly lonely).

    I say, you're interested in someone? Step up, tell him so.

    Even if rejected, it's a hella better than playing some meek passive-aggressive role (which is totally not you, Alexa!!)

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  25. I feel like maybe you answered your own question. In my opinion, you turn up the flirt. As a guy, I don't have a problem asking and in fact WANT to be the one who asks a girl out, but I'll admit my biggest hang-up tends to be gauging her interest. So I don't think a girl necessarily needs (or should) ask a guy out, but anything she can do to eliminate the ambiguity is often appreciated. Staying at the other end of the bar, not talking to the guy and pretending to be aloof would make me think you have zero interest. Zero.

    As one poster implied, if there's something you want, you have to do something to get it. Want that new job? Then you clean up that resume, send it in and express your interest. You don't sit at home and wait for the company to call you, nor do you walk in the front door -- want ad in hand -- and simply ask the boss to hire you. You play the game, you do the dance and you see what happens. Same with dating. Express your interest so that your intentions are relatively clear, but (IMO) don't flat out ask the guy and don't sit at the other end of the bar just waiting for him to come to you.

    Maybe some of that sounds old-fashioned, but I tend to believe a lot of the typical male-female roles in our society's world of dating still hold true.

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  26. Yes.

    It's okay for a woman to ask a man out.

    Because eventually I get tired of being slapped and having drinks thrown on me.

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  27. guys apparently find me a little intimidating, so i have no problem asking them out instead of waiting for them to get up the courage to ask me. i asked aaron out on our first date and look where that got me ;) ;)

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  28. im sure im not the only one with my "plan of attack"--- but with my dating history, i've generally made it known that im interested. sometimes it's small- a smile held for that extra few seconds. other time's it's been pretty dang obvious- it all depends on the level of alcohol in my system.

    generally, i wouldn't ask him out. i wouldnt try to take a guy out to dinner- that just seems too masculine to me for a first date. i've found that if i make it known that im interested- or "curious"- about someone, i've put myself out there enough to get noticed, but not enough to get a blatant "uh... no" from anyone who doesnt return my sentiment.

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  29. I'm old fashioned like you are--I might like the guy alot but I'm not going to be the one asking him out.

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  30. Yes it is OK. If you waited for every boy to ask you out, you'd be waiting a long ass time.

    Ask yourself two questions:
    Are you attracted to him?
    How fast do you want to have sex with him?

    If you want both of those things done now, I'd ask him out.

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  31. Yes, Alexa, please ask him out. The rules of our parents' generation are now out the window. I always say I would not be married to my husband had it not been, well, for me. I pursued him for a very long time, waiting patiently of course, and the rest is history.

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  32. I had a very traditional Southern upbringing, therefore remnants of those values still have a prominent place in my life. When I first read this question, I thought "NO!" but then, I thought about it & I'm really torn.

    In my experience, I've always had good luck when approaching a guy. Although, it's only been just that: approaching. A friendly conversation usually led to an exchange of phone numbers & eventually a date.

    I think that it all boils down to the type of man you want. Do you want a guy in control or do you want a guy who doesn't have the balls to ask you out?

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  33. Great post. Personally, I enjoy a challenge.

    Definitely turn on the flirt.

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  34. ughhh I struggle with this too. There's this guy that I work with and find extremely adorable and he (suppposedly) feels the same way but neither of us have done anything about it!

    I've always thought the guy should make the first move but I'm beginning to think that it can't always be left to the guy (because then NOTHING would get done) and I'm just gonna have to "man up" and ask him out myself.

    (but I'm scared)

    hold me.

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  35. Dude, I get told I'm intimidating all the time. I don't get it? I can only hope that "intimidating" means "smart, pretty, and awesome" and that one day I will find a man who isn't intimidated by those qualities.

    Also, I'm a big fan of the "We should hang out sometime, let's grab a drink!" mode... It's not an official date invitation, but it still puts it out there that you're interested.

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  36. I definitely think it's okay for a girl to ask out a guy! I don't think it should be all the time, for the most part I think the guy should do the asking, too. I think sometimes the girl needs to express her interest, because guys can't read our minds.

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  37. The men I know would LOVE to be asked out by women. LOVE it. So, yes, it's okay.

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  38. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. But I probably wouldn't do it myself, mainly because I'm too shy about that sort of thing.

    Never say never though...

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  39. It's nice to be pursued, but sometimes guys just can't take a hint and may not realize that you even like them. In those cases, I say go for it, otherwise you could be missing out on something great.

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  40. Hell-freakin-yeah! It's more than okay. In fact, I actually was the one who asked my now boyfriend who I was interested in to go to an out of town event with me for a weekend - just the two of us.

    He jumped at the opportunity and we came back from that trip a super cute couple, if I do say so myself.

    GO FOR IT!

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  41. Do you have a specific boy in mind?!? Hmmmm...

    Anyhow, it's totes legit to ask a boy to do something.

    Here is a test I think you should try, howevs... go out on a man hunt and leave your bberry in your purse. I don't think you're intimidating per se, but when you're not looking around flashing your gorge smile and batting your pretty little eyes, maybe boys think you're not interested.

    P.S. consider me a wingwoman for this adventure...

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  42. If you like what you see, ask him out. Simple as that. And if he no likey, move on to the next guy because the one who said "no" is not worth your time.

    P.S. We ladies love to complicate things. Boys are really not so complex.

    P.P.S. I gave Matt my number without him asking (however I wanted to make sure he made it home ok but he thinks I was flirting. Whatever, things worked out).

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  43. How is this still a debate?

    I would love it if a girl asked me out.

    We aren't in the days of riding buggies and wearing corsets.

    A girl who goes after what she wants is hot

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  44. well Sissy, my opinion is you should totally go for it.. what exactly do you have to lose?! (i'm sitting next to mom as i write this and she's correcting my punctuation! AHH!)

    I also have a new pick up line for you.. you go up to the guy and say "Hi! excuse me, I'm Alexa, What pick up line would work best on you?

    and sold...

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  45. It seems like whenever I've done the asking, it doesn't turn out. Obviously cuz I'm still single. Not that I ever get asked out anyway, but whatever. Some days I'm old fahioned, others I'm not... just depends on my mood!

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  46. I tend to fall for guys who are the sweet, shy type. If I didn't do the asking, we'd never end up anywhere.

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  47. ammo - how wise you are for your 22 year old self. and i would never budge on the proposing thing, the man MUST handle that part of the relationship, obvy.

    julianna - yeah see that's the thing, i don't know if i'm gutsy enough to ask someone out and if i had my choice would prefer to have the man do it, but i think that's all changing now...

    joe - yeah i have no problem talking to the man, at all. but there's only so much i can do.

    maliningrl - your dad is a smart man

    steve - thanks for your detailed response, seriously! you see i have the similar culture thing too with the greeks, i mean my great aunt had an arranged marriage when she was 16 - we're talking old school here.

    miss chief - is it possible to be old fashioned AND a little afraid? cause i think that's the situation for me.

    adam - your comment made me laugh out loud. i'm thirsty!

    ben - oh benny, coming from a gay man that comment works.

    kim - UGH. if i had a dollar for every "let's grab drinks" situation that turned into me giving off the friends vibe i'd be rich.

    teen - color coded excel spreadsheet?!?! um, talk about pressure!!!!!

    just a girl - thanks, and i agree completely.

    lemmonex - i like the title of modern woman. (hear me roar)

    maiden - i like the end part of your comment the best cause you're right, i might as well just get it over with and find out if he's interested or not so i can spend my time focused on someone else.

    mandy - she is a smart woman isn't she?

    lilu - i hope i can tell...

    peter - but i like it when you quote poetry to me.

    ALL - i think i like your comment/pep talk the best. snaps.

    the MG - yeah i think the whole aloof thing is the #1 thing that needs to go away, STAT.

    rachel - i think you're right here, like i can throw out a HUGE piece of bait and if he still doesn't bite - move the F on.

    liebchen - my preference too, too bad it's not working. ha.

    narm - but what if i've already been in his pants? JK!

    arielle - i've always said the same thing, i'm sadly pretty sure that i am the wuss...

    fizzgig - i ALSO love your comment cause you are so spot on. don't freak about texting according to "the rules" text/contact cause YOU want to. hell, he may get more excited than you could ever expect just to get that simple text.

    mel - you are right, it's TOTALLY not me. i need to step the heck up.

    all-time quarterback - thanks for the comment, it was really helpful and actually exactly what i needed to hear.

    mooooooooooog - i'd never slap you. throw a drink on you MAYBE ; )

    sarah - you asking aaron out gives me courage, obvy.

    heisschic - gah, if i could take back an alcohol soak situation or 136 i would be the happiest girl alive.

    wonderful - yeah, that's be me, until MAYBE now.

    allison - to answer your questions: 1. yes, VERY. 2. yesterday. i better get moving.

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  48. julesercise - i'm going to listen to you, cause you got a catch!

    ashley - i want a guy that's in control of himself and can ask me out. call me greedy.

    matt - so i need to play hard to get, i.e. not ask him out? i must further discuss this with you on gchat now.

    shortchick - UGH! we are so in the same situation we need a support group or something to help us through.

    jenn - i'm pretty sure that in our case "intimidating" definitely means "smart, pretty and awesome"

    angela - if only men had esp - oh wait, that might not alllllllllways be ideal. ha.

    lacochran - good call lady

    p - i've always been too shy, always - hence being 29 and never asked a guy out...

    leah - i wish i could just snap some men out of it. sigh.

    ashley - you also give me hope. you and all your wonderful BF's - it doesn't hurt that you're awesome!

    AAB - you know EXACTLY who it is that i have in mind. also, i think we should both try the no bberry one night and see what happens. it's going to be hard though!

    marie - i like to think that i don't complicate things, but who knows. and you're right, asking just clears things up so i can move on to the next one...

    SO@24 - i miss you and your blog! also, thanks for the vote of confidence women who know what they want ARE hot.

    sissy - oh mommy, what are we going to do with her. as for that sweet pick up line? let's test it out this weekend.

    ms. salti - i've been thinking about this situation for months so i hope now that i talked about it on my blog i'm in it to win it.

    andrea - haha. good point - we may as well take control with those types of guys right?

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  49. playing aloof and hard to get is so old school......in today's world the boy will just think you are a lesbo and look the other way...lol

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  50. I've asked guys out before. But I've found it works best when you ask them to go to something like a movie or sports event or even to grab a drink someplace.

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  51. I've asked one guy out before and apparently my face was so red when I did it. LOL

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  52. It really all depends on the guy. If he's super shy but somehow, you know that he's into you, then I don't see the problem with it.

    HOWEVER, if he's one of those guys who are super confident, knows it, and has a ton of other girls throwing their man-pleasers at him, then don't even think about making the first move, because those are the kinds of guys who "love the chase." You can ask him out, and he'll be flattered, but I can guarantee that he'll lose interest fast because "winning you" was way too easy for him.

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  53. I don't mind asking the guys out (depending on the situation) but I am pretty old fashioned. But I'm at the point in my life where I don't want to wait :)

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  54. I say yes, it is okay for a girl to ask a guy out. But would I do it?

    That's a completely a different story. I'm a little old fashioned I guess.

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  55. I haven't done it often, but I think it's OK. I asked my guy out in the lamest way -- slipping him a handwritten invitation for coffee, complete with YES, NO, MAYBE boxes. It worked. I would have never done it if I had no clue he was interested. We both flirted for weeks before.

    Go for it girlie! Just don't grab your crotch and chug a beer while asking the guy. :-)

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  56. Definitely! Back when I was single I used to ask dudes out whenever the fancy struck me- why not, you know?

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  57. I think it's totally OK or the woman to do the asking. I tend not to ask unless I REALLY think he's likely to say yes, but I think it's fine regardless. You'll never know until you ask!

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  58. I've tried it and it's never worked out well. Let me know if you have better luck!

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  59. Let's see. In my single, bar-hopping days, I was the girl who went up to boys on behalf of my friends who thought they were cute. I had no problem initiating conversation.

    In my online dating days, I'd contact a guy if I thought he might be a good fit.

    And when I met Sweets? He had looked at my profile, but hadn't contacted me. I thought he was cute, so I sent him an email wishing him luck with his search. You know how that story ends.

    To summarize, hell yes, the girl should ask. She just might find what she's looking for!

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