Thursday, April 4, 2013

WARNING: You will find an atypical plum post below.
I'm stressed.

My engagement to CK is supposed to be one of the happiest times of my life but instead I'm in a mourning period.

I'm mourning the wedding that I thought I'd always have with the realization that it's not going to happen.

I'm mourning the fact that I'm going to have to sell my perfect townhouse and move to an area of Northeast Ohio that I have no desire to live in. Away from my friends, my life and the city that I've lived in for the last 8 years and honestly, I'm kinda pissed about it.

Which makes me scared, scared that I'm not going to be happy, scared that I'm going to be resentful of decisions that were made without my say.

You see, I'm working on accepting that my wedding isn't going to be big, fat and Greek filled with unlimited friends and family.

I'm working on accepting that I'm not going to live in my 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th.... neighborhood of choice.

I'm working on it... AND my control issues, can't you tell?

There's one thing I'm not scared of though, my relationship with CK - it's strong, we love each other and this is forever. I'm just being open about my process of being stressed the heck out so that if you see me and I bite your head off you know why.


Kind of.

Happy Thursday, kids, IT'S ALL GOING TO BE OK.


  1. WILL be ok. Trust in your relationship and everything else will just fall into place. :)

  2. i feel you, girl.

    i never thought being engaged was going to be all rainbows and unicorns, but i also never doubted that i'd be able to keep my cool during the stress--- and that i'd always get my way. i'm not spoiled... i'm just the bride.

    it's hard giving up on what i've always assumed i'd have... hard giving up on what i thought i always wanted.

    so yea- you're not alone. i try to keep reminding myself that this- this change in my plans-- is an opportunity for new plans, new dreams. and that at the end of the day, as long as we both say our "i do"s, it'll still be the best day of my life.

    ((but if you need a drinking buddy to vent to without judgment, hit me up. fo'real))

  3. The give-and-take is tough. Moving in with my now-husband was the rockiest time of our relationship because of all the compromise that was needed to make it work. Take your time and work your way through everything, even if it means putting stuff off a little longer. You want to feel comfortable with what you're doing so that you don't end up feeling resentful.

    I don't know if this will help, but is a great wedding blog in that it's not really about weddings as it is the good and tough of getting married and being married. You might find some posts there that help you sort through your feelings right now.

  4. Hang in there. I still sometimes mourn the fact that I waited years for chad to propose. Then we mutually decided to get married before Ari was born. I happened to have the elopement of my dreams, but I'm still a little sad that my engagement didn't sweep me off my feet. But I keep my eye on the prize--the guy I couldn't live without.

  5. Sometimes, when we're pushed to places and spaces where we feel initial discomfort, we actually discover some really wonderful things ... about ourselves (like your rock hard relationship with CK - hooray!) and even our new surroundings. You are going to be a beautiful bride and you're going to have an amazing wedding, even if it's not exactly the way you originally envisioned. xoxo

  6. Kudos to you for sharing this. Relationships always involve compromise and only you know where the line is that pushes you too far away from yourself. Having been in a relationship where I was pushed too far away from who I was, I will tell you that I never acknowledged any of those feelings at the time (I was perfectly happy living where I didn't want to live, planning the type of wedding I didn't want to plan, etc.) Trust me, even if you bite people's heads off, allowing yourself to have the feelings of frustration is much healthier for you and for your relationship. Hang on to what you know (that you love CK) and who you are with him (which is inevitably different than who you are without him) and it will all work out how it should.

  7. Being engaged is the worst. Seriously. So unsettling, so many people to please in the wedding planning process, so much up in the air. I promise being married is MUCH better.

  8. Hang in there! Everything will work itself out, I promise. Once you get started and get a couple of the big wedding things out of the way you will feel less stress. Don't give up on your big, fat, Greek wedding but pick and choose the important parts that you can't live without. People think that I'm making wedding planning look easy but in reality I know what I want and am realistic. I have been very open to what I can and cannot do and worked with what I have.
    As for moving and living together, it's rough but so worth it. You'll learn to love the new area that it is in and you'll love all the extra time you get to spend with your man. Plus you can always go visit your old hangouts :)

  9. Being engaged is definitely stressful. Hope all these changes go more smoothly than you're expecting. Sending positive vibes!!

  10. It's such a stressful time, I'm totally feelin ya on that one. You're a smart, capable, funny, beautiful woman and you have a man that loves ya. You're already WAY ahead of the curve. Sweat the stuff that matters and try to let go of the stuff that doesn't. It's hard, but it's worth it, and no one remembers what the centerpieces at a wedding look like anyway. :) I've gotten a lot of sanity and strength from reaching out to friends going through the same thing I am when it comes to planning the wedding. It's like having a cheat sheet! DJ, Floral, Venue, Hotels, you name it, connect with other brides to be and cheat! No need to climb the same mountain twice! As for the move, take it one day at a time and know that you'll be happy wherever you go based on who's beside you not what's around you. You got this girl!!

  11. Sorry you are going through this stress. I've been married 17 years and moved to a town that I'm still not a fan of but I'm still madly in love with my hubby and that's what makes me happy. I have also found reasons to tolerate and sometimes even enjoy living here. Hang in there sistah and thanks for sharing. Everything will work out!

  12. I sympathize for sure! Planning a wedding is crazy and unless you or your parents or some rich benefactor have unlimited funds to spend, there will always be things to compromise on. Focus on the things you can't live without and scale back or let go of the things that would be awesome but aren't essential. Trimming the guest list was the hardest part. As far as moving, try think of all the positive things that come with it (CK!) and realize that the most important thing isn't WHERE you are, but that you're together. You two can always move sometime later if you are truly miserable there, but I bet that once you settle in, it won't be nearly as bad as you think! (hugs)

  13. those are all big changes. but the marriage itself is the biggest change of all, and, thankfully, it's the best will get you through the others. nothing like having a strong partner to be there for you every day and you for him. i'm so happy for you! i guess i am still a mushy newlywed myself, but it's a new chapter, and it will be great!xoxo

  14. I have no advice ... just wanted to say that this post was very well written. Thank you for that.

  15. Melissa had to move to Kansas City and Texas, if it makes you feel better.

  16. I can't really offer you any advice.. Guys are not prepped from the day they start playing with toys to plan the fairy tale-like beginning to an idyllic and completely satisfying home life. We play with trucks and robots, neither of which are part of nuptials (but wouldn't it be holy-freaking-awesome if they were?!).

    Just maintain perspective. You're closing out one chapter of your life, and beginning the rest of it, now with a partner to help write it with you.

  17. those are big changes, and big disappointments to accept. it's ok to have lots of feelings about them. however i have zero doubts you'll come out on the other side happier than ever. you and CK are a true picture of real love.

  18. I didn't like planning my wedding either. I didn't fall "in love" with a dress and stressed with every detail. Every detail. There are lots of things I'd love to change about my wedding day, but I am glad I married who I did, which really is most important. You are seriously not alone with the planning - I hated having to please so many people and felt selfish when I thought - isn't this about me and my fiance? Not my grandma!

  19. Lady, I promise you everything will be ok. Matt never proposed to me. I asked him if he thought it was the right time. I never got an engagement ring and still don't have one. Too expensive and I'd probably break it. I didn't even wear a white dress and there were 50 people at our wedding, Matt & I included. We didn't even had a DJ, just an iPod.

    There was nothing traditional about our wedding and it was awfully hectic planning it all. It's not fun. But the actual day is. And then you have a party with close friends and family and really that's all that counts. It's just a day. A marriage is a life time.

    Where you live? Also doesn't matter too much. Trust me, if I could move today without a worry in the world, I'd pack my bags up and head on off to the West coast to try it out side by side with Matt. Virginia is not my home, never will be. BUT what makes where I am now home? Matt. My friends (who do not all live near me). The life we build together.

    I promise you hon, it's going to be OK.

  20. I remember that feeling when I moved to Mentor with my hubby. I had to move away from a lot of good friends and places i loved back in Ytown area. That was a few years ago already and looking back it all turned out so perfect. Our wedding was lovely and we have since bought a new wonderful home. It all works out when love is involved! Wishing you much love and happiness! It will get easier!

  21. Helps to know someone else is going through big changes too! From one control freak to another lol...I've recently had an opportunity that could potentially mean I have to move to an entirely new city away from my close friends in CLE and away from something/somewhere I know so well. Frankly, it scares the ever-living crap outta me too. Everything will be ok though! As someone mentioned above 'eyes on the prize' :-)

  22. Resentment. Funny how that works. Just the other day, my wife asked if I ever thought about how my life - our lives - would be different if we never met or moved elsewhere when we moved in together or never even decided to get married in the first place. There will always be times in your life where you'll find yourself daydreaming and thinking, "what if?"

    Five years ago this November, I got married. In the year-and-a-half lead up to the wedding, there were stressful times, but in the end we pulled off a wedding for about 150 people and for a very budget-friendly cost. Three years later we welcomed our son into this world. It's funny, but even before he was born we looked back at all the wedding stress and laughed. In the grand scheme of things, the wedding is a great time, but it is pretty insignificant. It comes and goes so fast and what remains is the relationship you two have.

    You said your relationship with your husband-to-be is strong. It will only get stronger - and, at times, get tested - with marriage. As long as you are working to keep things between you "strong," you won't care where you currently live or exactly how big, fat and Greek your wedding was. Those are just minor details.

    You adjust. My wife and I wish we bought our condo years ago downtown. Instead we are in the 'burbs, but we adapt by simply driving into the downtown area as much as possible. Nothing will be ideal, but we are able to work with what we have. But again, something like that is just minor.

    Finally, channel that desire to control on continuing to build a strong relationship with your fiancee. The stronger that becomes these other things will feel so insignificant and that resentment will become only a faint, "what if" that creeps into your mind every once in a great while.

  23. i totally sympathize with you on this!! i got engaged in december and have now realized that i will not be having the wedding i thought i would. my fiance keeps reassuring me that this day is about us and whatever happens happens! Im sure whatever you do will be fabulous and fun.

  24. I sympathize and totally understand. Even tho I am older than you I got married two years ago in a "secret" ceremony so my husbands kids wouldn't know and then a year later so they would have to acknowledge it. Moving to their part of the city and out of Lakewood killed me, then moving into "their" home and all my belongings except for a cat, clothes and two lamps, oh yea my favorite coffee cup had to go into storage. Then when we were getting married they really didn't want to come to the small wedding we were having (had to put too much money into the adult children's cars and caring for them so I had to scrimp on the wedding), yet I had to pay for a limovan to drive them all out there so none of them would be killed. If I would have lived with him and his kids before that I would have never married him even though he is the best guy in the world.

    Sacrifices are tough but we do it if we really love someone. And it sounds like you do.

  25. weddings alone are enough to make you pull your hair out. but unless you are unfortunate enough to have been through one wedding already, you don't realize how unimportant the whole "production" thing is, and how very little you get to actually enjoy of it, until you go through it once. You'll love and cherish whatever your wedding turns out to be!

    I can see how hard it would be to move away from what you know and love, trust me, but as long as you guys have each other, it will all work out. Everyone has cars, and it isn't like you are moving out of state, right? You will still get to visit the places and people you love. The important part is the love, and it sounds like that is a strong foundation, so after the shock it will all work out in the end! *deep breath* Namaste!!!!

  26. My advice to you after dealing with this for many years now... when it comes to ex-husbands and ex-wives and their children...You will ALWAYS be #2 or even #3 sometimes. I think wedding plans sound like the least of your worries. Make sure you know what you are getting yourself into if you already have this much of your life that you are in mourning over. This should be the happiest time in your life. I also know from experience that after the "living-single, honey-moon, engagement" time is over it only gets that much harder.

    1. I already am #3 - this isn't a newsflash, I also didn't mention anything about children in this post.

      What I choose to speak publicly about here on this slice of the internet is only a SMALL fraction of my real life.

  27. aw friend i can't even imagine having to make such big changes but like you said, you and CK love each other and that's all that matters. if you talk it out and work it out you will be just fine. also feel free to stress as much as you want, you're very much allowed, ha.


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